yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
love makes seman taste better
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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