Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
