I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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