I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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