He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
