I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
