Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
