I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
