you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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