the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize