She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
