I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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