this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
