I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
