On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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