Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
