U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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