I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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