o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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