I skipped work to stalk him.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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