can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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