My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
