Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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