Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
