i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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