And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
