He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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