You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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