Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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