I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
