Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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