Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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