if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize