Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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