I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
