he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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