Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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