yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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