we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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