I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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