I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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