I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
