I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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