I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize