Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
one two three fourrrrnication!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
