so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
