my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
