I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
