Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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