Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize