Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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