I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
