you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
