I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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