Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
