the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
