Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
