It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
