Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize