speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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