I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
