dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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