I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize