So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
