I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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