Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
